5 minute friday:Broken. And I cheated this time, more than 5 minutes

5 minute Friday. The word is broken. The assignment. Write 5 minutes. And then stop.
Well, I started and I did not stop but it's where I am. I needed to finish.

 Broken. A broken vase, a broken car, a broken chair, a broken arm, a broken home, a broken heart:  A broken heart. A hurt so deep and strong you are not sure your next breath will come. A silent pain that no one can fix. In a room full of people the hurt is so deep  I feel alone. Broken. In a van full of laughing, singing, and talking little princesses silent, hot, and forbidden tears begin to flow as I  wonder what might have been. When the sweet toddler needs a cuddle I have a catch in my throat knowing what a blessing she is and aching for the losses. While they are skipping, singing, playing, jumping, and sliding at the park I remind myself to enjoy them. To be in the moment while I feel overwhelmed by the joy they are and the sadness in my heart: broken.

My heart so full of love. So full of life's joys yet it feels empty as well. There is no easy explanation, just a brokenness. Nothing fixable, a deep raw hurt that a bandaid, a bandage, or "well meaning words" won't heal. Life goes on and moves fast even when I feel like it's standing still: it doesn't wait. It doesn't wait for anything or anyone. The broken heart keeps beating. I'm reminded to put one foot in front of the other, enjoy life. And I do. I enjoy my babies, my husband, my God. I love my friends and my church family. I celebrate life with them and morn loses with them. All the while, I grieve. A hug from the husband brings tears, sometimes his, mostly mine. But he's patient and loving, and grieving: he's broken too. A smile from a child hurts my heart. The smell of a newborn makes my arms ache. Among the joy there is pain; brokenness.

I've learned one thing recently. I feel guilty. I feel guilty for grieving. For so many reasons but mainly for the people in my life that like to  press me to move on to get over it and forget. They either say outright rude things or use passive aggressive words to say that others have it worse and I should really just be ok. And while in everyone else's eyes maybe I should; I'm not. I need to let the guilt go and let myself process and hurt while walking with Christ in worship. He gave us emotions and the deep ability to love.  And i loved. We loved, we lost and we must let go, but we won't forget. A broken heart doesn't mean my life stops, I don't stop feeling, but at the surface of all of my emotions is sadness. Sadness wrapped in joy.


I have Joy that through Christ I need not stay broken. His sweet mercies are new every morning. Even if the middle of the night seems hopeless and dark, his joy comes in the morning. His love never fails. And if anyone knows what it's like to be broken, it's Jesus. He was broken for me. I don't understand it and I can't comprehend it, but I believe it. I know it's true. Through his wounds( his brokenness) we are healed. Healed. Whole. Made new.

And, Jesus is enough. Leaning on Him, trusting in Him, letting Him love me. He is enough. But He didn't promise life without pain. He actually promised life with pain, He just promised to sustain us. This is where I am, broken and hurting, but knowing that My reedemer lives. And I know I can make it through this process. My house may be a little messier than usual, my smile might fade much quicker, my ability to stay in a crowd might not be very strong, it may take me a few extra minutes to find a song to worship with, I may get frustrated much eaiser, and count the hours til I can just sleep a while, but I know he promises beauty from ashes.


The Spirit of the Lord  God  is upon me, because the  Lord  has  anointed me to bring good news to 
the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and  theopening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the  Lord 's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the  Lord ,  that he may be glorified. (Isaiah 61:1-3 ESV)

To go from being broken to an oak of righteousness planted by the Lord will be amazing. The process may be painful but the end will be beautiful. And God will be glorified. 

5 minute Friday: remember

So, I'm technically 2 days late on five minute Friday but I'm gonna write it anyway:)
Rules write for 5 mins.  From Lisa Jo baker: word~ remember.


My 3 sweet lovies. As beautiful an unique as can be. I pray that when you are older and look back at your time with us at home~ wherever home may be in that memory~ that you remember love. I pray you are confident in the fact that your daddy and I love you. We are crazy about you. Each one of you. We love you the same amount but each in an entirely different way because that's what you require. You are each vastly different individuals so you require different love.
 I hope you remember giggles and laughter, piggyback rides and tickle wars, singing sweet songs and dancing your hearts out in the kitchen. Oh, I pray you remember the good times the happy loving times.

I also pray you remember the bad. With beautiful rose colored glasses that make the memories sweet. That in the bad times you remember your daddy and I seeking Christ as hard as we can. And loving each other the best two imperfect people can love. I pray you remember the piles of dirty and clean laundry. The toys on the floor and the crayons on the table. Why? To remember the joy. The joy in being a kid and the joy in knowing your mommy isn't perfect and you don't have to be either.

I pray you remember love....

STOP


5 mins up. I may have to revisit this one and finish it:)

5 minute Friday!! Rest

5 minute Friday.

Rest:

I just checked on my 3 sleeping beauties. Worn out from the day: daddy was home, naps were skipped, a park was played in, and a late night ice cream run proved to just wear out their little bodies. All contorted in their beds, hair all a mess, innocence glowing: boy, they now how to play hard, but they know how to rest.

Here I am exhausted. In bed early, given up on sleep. My brain will not rest. I need to be doing a million things, but my body is finished for the day. No nap days wear a mommy out! So why won't my brain shut off? I think too much. I worry... I'm working on that. I dream big dreams for us and our girls. I worry. I replay conversations or short rude snaps from people in my head. I worry.  Iwish forgiveness   came easy. I think about how blessed I am. I worry. I thank God for my amazing husband and beautiful  girls. I worry am I good enough? Of a mom? Of a wife? Of a friend?

I need rest. I need to rest in God's peace. I need to be consumed by his love. I surrender again. I need not worry.

Stop

Hadassah Gabrielle!

My sweet Hadassah turned 4 this week. At some point in the last few weeks she's changed, her face has changed, her behavior has become a little more "big" girl. It's amazing to be able to be here everyday watching her grow and learn.

Hadassah is a little reserved (she does not liked to be called shy) until she gets to know people better. She's my cling on the leg, hide behind mommy, duck my face when someone talks to me, little princess. She is also our feisty one. You can see the ideas churning in her brain right before she acts. She definitely keeps me on my toes.

She is also the left-handed creative one. She loves, I mean loves music. I love having her on my hip on Sundays hearing her sweet little voice singing along. She hates loud but doesn't mind if its in the form of music. Her favorite word is Hallelijah. She use to say it was her favorite color. I know God puts little things in our hearts from an early age,  I just wonder what He's gonna do with my sweet dassie!

Hadassah is extremely loyal. She has had one friend she has been crazy about for a couple of years. Not that she didn't play with others, and even love others, but that is "her" friend. She has finally branched out and made a good friend at church. We pray that her loyalty will be devoted to God and that we can shield her heart from unnecessary heartache.

The one thing she has been saying since her birthday is "yay, I can go to the nutcracker now, I'm 4!" Her nana takes the girls of the family every year at Christmas and we told hadassah when she was 4 she would get to go. (It's gonna be a long time until Christmas!)

Hadassah a favorite food is bacon! Pork chops, pizza, popcorn, and chips are close behind. She loves junk. We don't keep it around, she has made herself sick by eating it too much at both of her grandparent's houses!

She is crazy about her sisters! She protects amariah and makes sure she is safe. She adores Abigail. Abigail makes her feel safe when she is out of her element. They do have a few sibling squabbles but overall they are great friends.

She has started gymnastics this year. She was very timid at first but her teachers are great and she loves it. She flips on everything, loves to be upside down, and tries so hard. She is so proud when she learns something new.

Our life would be extremely empty and boring without our hadassah. We thank God for her and for lending her to us to raise. Happy birthday big girl we love you!