My sweet Abigail turned 6 a couple of weeks ago. I have no idea how these past years have flown by and we have  with a been blessed with a beautiful, spunky, full of life, sweet, caring, talkative, outgoing, and smart little girl.

She is the energy in our house. Whenever she is not home our house is quiet and things just do not flow as well. I can already tell she is going to love deep and love hard. As we help her navigate through life I pray we can turn that love to Jesus and all things for His glory. To funnel a love for life and people like Abigail has into a growing, exciting, and adventurous love for Christ can set our world on fire for Him. That's one of my prayers for our precious first born. Just being honest, it is a scary prayer. She already doesn't like to hear about people not knowing Jesus. "They just need to know. We need to go tell them," are a few phrases uttered from her sweet little lips when she hears of the depravity in this world. She has already asked me if she could be a missionary. I do not know where God will take her, but I pray we can diligently help her blossom and grow into the woman God created her to be.

She has out shined us this year. Our year has been tough to say the least and she bubbles and smiles over all the new people she gets to meet. Playing today she was thrilled to meet new people and make new friends. She sees everyone as a potential new friend and I love the innocence that is in her eyes and heart.

I have the privilege and enormous responsibility of homeschooling this beautiful girl.
She is extremely smart but has such a desire to please people that she never wants to be wrong. She will go as far as not answering in order not to be wrong. I am slowly trying to learn how to push her, help her grow, and not break her beautiful spirit.

I am not naive enough to think that in our fallen world this little beauty of mine does not come with quirks, attitude, and sin-problems, but this is a post celebrating the baby God has given us to raise. So, those delightful personality and parenting issues will have to wait for anther post.

 I pray she enjoys us as parents as much as we enjoy her as our little blessing. We love you Abigail Faith.

The husband and I have been visiting a church and we both love it. Most likely for different reasons but we do. The first Sunday the entire book of Romans was read from the pulpit and we were hooked. Not because of a dynamic pastor (which he is amazing as well) or because of a particular style of worship (which we do love) but because of THE Word of God. Our bread of life. It was so wonderful because we have been reading through the book of Romans separately in our own personal quiet times. It seemed as though God was saying, "welcome home for a while to a place to be rejuvenated, loved, and faced with some hard truths!"

Hard truths? Yes, my head has been spinning! The first one I have been wrestling with, losing sleep over, praying about,and  talking about is the gospel. Really?? Why in the world is this such a struggle for me, well I am about to get extremely, frighteningly, transparent.

So, in Chapter one of Romans Paul speaks about how he is under obligation, is eager, and is not ashamed of the gospel of Christ. Now those 3 statements alone are enough to make my hands start trembling in fear, my heart start beating fast, and sweat pop out on my forehead. I know that I am not on any level even halfway as passionate about the gospel as Paul was. But the real problem here is WHY? Why do I not share the saving knowledge of Christ with everyone I meet or at the very least my neighbors and friends? Am I afraid? Yes. Am I ashamed? No, I hope not.

Afraid? Why am I afraid? I really have no answer to this question. Quite frankly I think being afraid is stupid, but nonetheless I am. I am by nature a shy person. But more than that I do not like rejection. I hate rejection, I hate confrontation, and I want friends.  With all of this being said, these are excuses. In respect to a person's whole-hearted commitment to God, their eternity with God instead of in Hell apart from Him, and their ability to thrive on this earth in the Joy of the Lord, why in my last 23 years on this earth have I not shared the Gospel with everyone? [As a disclaimer, I KNOW God does not neeed me. I know He gives us grace and uses us in His divine plan. I know the world can come to know Him apart from me, but I also know for some reason He does use us in His plan of spreading His grace to the nations. ]

We were in a small group the other night and there was a woman who is passionate about spreading the gospel. I am not even sure passionate is the correct term to describe her. She said that she loves to look for opportunities to tell others about Jesus and it is FUN. I know a few former students who are like this as well. They have the spiritual gift of evanglism. I am fairly certain that they thrive on telling others about Jesus. They are world changers. I am not one of these people. My passion is discipleship. By that I mean I love to see "baby" Christians grow up in their faith. I love to teach them amazing truths from God's Word and show them how to apply each truth to their lives. I think this is fun, I thrive on the relational aspect of helping a fellow believer begin to love God's word. This being said, does it excuse me from sharing the gospel with others? No, there is no way it does. It can't. So, where do I go from here?

a time to dance

We have been in the middle of packing, unpacking, organizing, reorganizing, and trying to maintain a routine in the middle of this crazy caous. Today, while trying to get our bedroom in order, this little person walked into the room. Not just any little person but my little bitty. Our sweet Amariah who has only been in our lives for 18 short months. She smiled her perfect little smile and raised up her short little arms. And to be honest this less than perfect mommy was a little frustrated, however, I bent down and picked up our little firecracker. You see, I read a blog, or a book, or a fb post, honestly I do not remember, but the advice was priceless. It was to cherish the little moments. When a little one needs attention, give them attention, and don't worry about the the details that are not going to matter in eternity. So, I picked that precious baby up and we danced. She put her chubby cheek up next to mine and we danced, giggled, and I remembered the reasons I love being a mommy.

We have different songs that we dance to and have fun with as a family. One of Abigail's favorites is Hero by skillet, which does in fact make her daddy proud. Hadassah loves any song with the word Hallelujah in it. She has always loved that word. She use to say it was her favorite color as well. One way I know how to get all three of them in the room is to turn on I love the way you hold me by Jamie Grace. They can be anywhere in the house or in the middle of grumpies in the car and we turn that song on and their little bodies start dancing. It is wonderful!! I love that I can turn on a song that worships Jesus and they totally love it and we have a little praise party in our house. God is good and the 3 gifts he has given us are priceless.

On a side note that has nothing to do with this post my Abigail asked me Saturday if she could be a missionary. More about that later, I just want to make sure I have it documented somewhere.

I don't like change!

I don't like change. I say this through gritted teeth and tear filled eyes. We spent the better part of the evening looking at apartments. We do need a change. A positive change, away from the town we are in. While, yes, there are a few people here that honestly love us and adore our children we cannot sit in a pool of hurt. And that is where we feel like we are at the moment-drowning.
I have never lived in an apartment.  I am not saying I am "above" living in an apartment, i have just never done it. It is a lifestyle a little void of privacy and a yard to play in i am afraid. And well honestly they are small. I am not sure how we can live day in and day out homeschooling in one, but I am sure we can.
I guess it wouldn't be such a hard move if we were moving to something instead of away from something. If we were moving to a new church family to serve and adapt to that would be different, however, we are not. The job market is not promising. And honestly I feel lost and a little exposed without having a place to serve and call home. I guess that is the reality and daunting realization that we are both called to ministry. We love it, we thrive on it, and we are lost without it. Both of us. I feel as though our days are sometimes filled with zombie likeness trying to walk through life without a purpose now.
Don't get me wrong my highest callings are being a wife and mother. I know that. I love that! I will write a post in the near future about my precious babies and the pure joy I have received from being able to be a stay at home homeschooling mommy. But at the moment I know we must make a decision by tomorrow about our lives. Which if it were just our lives it would be so much simpler. However God has blessed us with our little beauties and every decision we  make will map out the course of their lives and faith.
Anyway, to be completely honest I am afraid. Well, terrified. The unknown scares me, but I have a God who knows that. I have a God who is, not so gently anymore, teaching me that I must trust Him and refuse to live my life captivated by fear. So, for now this is all. I have wanted to start a blog for a long time and know that I may be entirely to painstakingly honest for some and for that I apologize. However, this is in some way helping my broken heart heal.

songs of my heart

My life's song is out of the overflow of my heart and passion for following my savior. I love music and the way the words and melodies can say things my heart can never articulate. Currently our family is in a rough patch of our lives. My husband is looking for a job, which means we are currently without a church family and a place to serve. Not serving is hard, being still is hard, resting in Jesus is hard, that gentle quiet spirit that I need to have is hard to find. Recently I have fallen in love with the lyrics of Bless the Lord, O my soul. I love that it talks about no matter what happens during the course of the day we have the pleasure of waking up and going to sleep Praising God.

The second song that I love right now is "Well Done" She says, "I'm taking a risk and leaving it all not knowing what I'll go through." This is the state of our lives right now. We want to risk all for the sake of Christ, not for glory, or self-Seeking measures but so one day we can hear our Savior say, "Well Done." "I'm gonna chase you Lord, I'm gonna show the world your love. I'm gonna run this race to hear you say, 'well done'." This is the solo cry of my heart, the desire I try and set before me everyday. I fail so often and fall so short of His glory, but I am going to keep chasing my Savior, loving people, and serving Him. My FAVORITE line is, "If people walk with me, talk with me, looking for truth, then they're gonna find out soon, If they're following me then they're gonna follow you!!!" Oh how I want this to be the legacy of my life, through every word I speak and every action I take my HEART'S DESIRE is for people to be pointed to JESUS. Now I have an extremely long way to go, I know I am NOWHERE near where I need to be, but this is the cry of my heart.

The last song that is in my heart right now is "Losing." It is a gut wrenching honest song about forgiveness and how we as people feel like we are sometimes the ones losing when we forgive people, especially when they don't realize or care the heartache that has been caused in our lives. "Truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not, Freedom comes when we Surrender to the sound of Mercy and Your Grace, Father send your angels down!" And this is where my heart is, wallowing in hurt and pain, anger and betrayal, fear and anxiety. However, this is not where God has called me. He has called me, His Beloved Daughter, to walk in His mercy and grace. I cannot walk IN His mercy and grace if I do not share it with others. His forgiveness is the motive behind my ENTIRE life. So how can I be stuck in this place? I am not sure, but I am. I keep praying the line over and over, "Father, give me the grace to forgive them." And I need so much grace. My heart aches and my mind is confused. I do know the only way to come out of the muck is confession and honest prayer to my Father, who loves me. And thank God that when I have no words the Holy Spirit has the perfect ones.