forgiveness

I received a text from a new friend, a dear friend, tonight that said,"Don't you love it when God pursues your heart?!" Now, the logical, reasonable, Christianese answer would be, "absolutely!!" My thought at the moment was honestly, "UHH?" So, I did not think of the question anymore.

I will give you a background to the conversation and it will make much more sense. We have been through a hard year, a hurtful year, a pain that I have never felt deep in my soul. I have come to believe that hurts from the church community are deeper than the world. Why? because we expect more from the church. While they move on we sit here, and wait. While they celebrate life, we struggle to pay our bills. Like really struggle. Hurtfully struggle. Without many gracious people in our lives we would be on the streets by now. That is a tough reality and a deep hurt, knowing that people we thought cared have moved on and never given it a second thought. And, we wait.

So that is the hurt. Very much more, but rawly and transparently, the hurt. Now, we are in a phenomenal church, a body of believers that love Christ. Some women have come around me, loved me, and shown me what true fellowship really is. In this I have been attending a Bible study. We are reading,"The utter relief of holiness" and this week's chapter was about Jesus. Many many things about Jesus but a certain part was about His phenomenal forgiveness. How He didn't think twice He chose to forgive, the people that crucified Him: he forgave, the thief on the cross: He forgave, in any instance His forgiveness was instant.

The theme forgiveness has been woven in my life the past two weeks like crazy. Forgiveness. Forgiveness. Forgiveness.  I love the song that says, "father please forgive them because they don't know what they've been doing." and "Father, give me grace to forgive them cause I feel like the one losin'" Now, there is so much truth to this. When I choose to not forgive and live in the hurt, it breeds anger, resentment, and bitterness. Wallowing in self-pity feels good for the moment, but its not of God. Why? because I am not to be about myself. I need to be about His glory.

I also heard in this Bible study that if I say , "well I can forgive them then God can take vengeance out on them", then that is not true Godly forgiveness. Really? Because in my sinful nature, I want judgement. But do I really? No, I don't want them in hell, I don't want their lives to fall apart, so what do I want. I want the chains of unforgiveness to be off my shoulders. I was encouraged to pray, "God, I want to forgive them like you do. Fully and completely. Not to hold a grudge or wish you will punish them, but cover them in grace." And, in all honesty, I want them to be sorry. But, what would that do?Not much. So here I am. Knowing God is saying you must forgive. Begging God through tears and clenched teeth to help me forgive.

OK, so fast forward to today. I won tickets to an event at union. Joy Greene was gonna be there and I had heard her at MOPS, so I grabbed a friend and we went. Her theme, redemption. Her real theme: forgiveness. Yep, I thought about running towards the door and hiding in the bathroom. This is when I texted my friend. So she says, "don't you love it when God pursues your heart?!" And by the end of the night I wanted to scream YES!! I felt God's confirmation that He is expecting me to walk the path of forgiveness. I also felt an encouragement about the way I have tried to focus my heart toward forgiveness; conviction was there but so was glorious revelation that this forgiveness thing is a process.

 Why Forgiveness? Well for one He forgave me and forgives me daily of my shortcomings. Also, because above all else I want to glorify my Savior and walk in His way: hard or easy. I also want to live my life in His unspeakable Joy, not in anger and bitterness. I want the chains of sin gone. I want to be forgiven. So here are many I wants, but it's the truth. And the deeper truth, I cannot do any of this on my own. Therefore, if I choose daily, if I choose hourly, if I choose minute by minute to walk in the grace of redemption of Christ, and trust Him to help me choose forgiveness, I glorify my oh so worthy God. And, maybe just maybe He will entrust me with more: more ways to serve and glorify Him, if I am faithful in this area.

I also heard a drive time devotion yesterday about walking in faith, living in the now, and not in the what ifs of yesterday or tomorrow. I also got some confirmation that God was putting this on my heart as well. Now, why is this in a post about forgiveness? Joy spoke on this beautifully too. We cannot live in the hurts of the past and when we do we are Chained. Bound. Powerless. Useless. We cannot function as a whole Christian with the past dragging behind us. Forgiveness, true functioning forgiveness, is leaving it there and walking daily in the faith of Christ. We want to be intrusted with more, to truly impact the nations for Christ, so for now we are walking minute by minute in the grace of God and trying to forgive; knowing we can in His power alone.

"Because if you haven't let go of who you were, you cannot be who you are." joy greene

His love never fails

What I have learned about how personal and loving God can be I have learned watching my husband parent my girls. He loves being a daddy and is an oober involved father. He is sad when He has been at work and missed a milestone. "Jealous" about the fun we have on play dates and life at home. He does bedtime going back for nose kisses, hugs, prayers, and giggles. He is crazy about his daughters. And just for the record they are over-the-top in love with their daddy. The entire neighborhood can know when he arrives home from work. The girls giggle, squeal, yell and race to be first to meet their prince. Some days he is exhausted and some mentally spent, but he scoops our little beauties up and lavishes them with his love.

The love he has for them is astounding to me. I grew up in a single parent home with a completely absent father. Therefore , "See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God," (1 john 3:1) was a nice verse that sounded fantastic, until I saw firsthand the love that a Daddy can have for his girls. Obviously he is human and gets tired of playing tea party, the fifteenth-hundredth piggyback up the stairs, or the pink-oh how much pink, but he is a daddy and he endures; laughing, smiling and loving every minute. My girls will never have to wonder if their daddy loves them. They know he is crazy about them. When he worked a normal schedule they would know when i started dinner daddy would be home and i have many pictures of them peering out of the window in joyous anticipation.

They never wonder if he will come through the front door kiss and hug them. Just as I should never wonder if I call on my heavenly Father whether he will meet with me or not. He will, he loves me, desires me to know Him, and to be holy because He is holy. I cannot become like Him if I do not spend time with Him in His word and in constant prayer. My girls say some of the silly phrases my husband says, because they spend time with him and love him. I know God will never push me, his daughter away. I have learned that more from watching my husband kiss boo boos, have tickle wars, and convince them if they make a silly face medicine tastes better. He wants to know my daughters because he loves them only as a father can. My heavenly father says we can call him, ABBA which is daddy, because He is a loving and relational God.

I have also learned a bit about how sin can grieve God's heart, by seeing disobedience from the girls break my husband's heart. He disciplines them, lovingly, and sometimes relunctly because He hates to punish them. It hurts my husband's heart to spank our girls, take away a privilege away, or put them in the corner while they miss out on fun. I have even heard him say, "daddy doesn't want to spank you but..." Sometimes we just want to will them to obey because it hurts us to see them sad. However, the discipline is for their own good. I realize that God's discipline is for my own good, no matter how hard it is to understand. Sometimes he disciplines me because I have sinned. Out rightly disobeyed Him and I know it. Other times it is because I have a heart issue that I don't even realize but He needs to refine me and make me more like Him. God also refines me in other ways to make me shine and understand the pain of others so I can minister to them. However, I am fully convinced that God is not in Heaven laughing and joyous when He has to teach me a hard lesson. I know that because God is loving and also because I have seen a father fall apart because He had to once again discipline his child for the same offense.

I am extremely grateful for the man God placed in my life for me to call husband. I do not deserve the beautiful blessing of our little family. But I am also grateful that God has chosen to show me how a father can (almost perfectly) love his daughters through our life. I do not know if I grew up with a father if this would hit me in the face so often, but I know that it does. God is love. He loves his children, that perfect love does not shield us from heartache and pain on this earth, but I know I can cry out and run into His loving arms at any time. He will shield me and tuck me under His wing, proving that His love never fails.