I don't like change!

I don't like change. I say this through gritted teeth and tear filled eyes. We spent the better part of the evening looking at apartments. We do need a change. A positive change, away from the town we are in. While, yes, there are a few people here that honestly love us and adore our children we cannot sit in a pool of hurt. And that is where we feel like we are at the moment-drowning.
I have never lived in an apartment.  I am not saying I am "above" living in an apartment, i have just never done it. It is a lifestyle a little void of privacy and a yard to play in i am afraid. And well honestly they are small. I am not sure how we can live day in and day out homeschooling in one, but I am sure we can.
I guess it wouldn't be such a hard move if we were moving to something instead of away from something. If we were moving to a new church family to serve and adapt to that would be different, however, we are not. The job market is not promising. And honestly I feel lost and a little exposed without having a place to serve and call home. I guess that is the reality and daunting realization that we are both called to ministry. We love it, we thrive on it, and we are lost without it. Both of us. I feel as though our days are sometimes filled with zombie likeness trying to walk through life without a purpose now.
Don't get me wrong my highest callings are being a wife and mother. I know that. I love that! I will write a post in the near future about my precious babies and the pure joy I have received from being able to be a stay at home homeschooling mommy. But at the moment I know we must make a decision by tomorrow about our lives. Which if it were just our lives it would be so much simpler. However God has blessed us with our little beauties and every decision we  make will map out the course of their lives and faith.
Anyway, to be completely honest I am afraid. Well, terrified. The unknown scares me, but I have a God who knows that. I have a God who is, not so gently anymore, teaching me that I must trust Him and refuse to live my life captivated by fear. So, for now this is all. I have wanted to start a blog for a long time and know that I may be entirely to painstakingly honest for some and for that I apologize. However, this is in some way helping my broken heart heal.

songs of my heart

My life's song is out of the overflow of my heart and passion for following my savior. I love music and the way the words and melodies can say things my heart can never articulate. Currently our family is in a rough patch of our lives. My husband is looking for a job, which means we are currently without a church family and a place to serve. Not serving is hard, being still is hard, resting in Jesus is hard, that gentle quiet spirit that I need to have is hard to find. Recently I have fallen in love with the lyrics of Bless the Lord, O my soul. I love that it talks about no matter what happens during the course of the day we have the pleasure of waking up and going to sleep Praising God.

The second song that I love right now is "Well Done" She says, "I'm taking a risk and leaving it all not knowing what I'll go through." This is the state of our lives right now. We want to risk all for the sake of Christ, not for glory, or self-Seeking measures but so one day we can hear our Savior say, "Well Done." "I'm gonna chase you Lord, I'm gonna show the world your love. I'm gonna run this race to hear you say, 'well done'." This is the solo cry of my heart, the desire I try and set before me everyday. I fail so often and fall so short of His glory, but I am going to keep chasing my Savior, loving people, and serving Him. My FAVORITE line is, "If people walk with me, talk with me, looking for truth, then they're gonna find out soon, If they're following me then they're gonna follow you!!!" Oh how I want this to be the legacy of my life, through every word I speak and every action I take my HEART'S DESIRE is for people to be pointed to JESUS. Now I have an extremely long way to go, I know I am NOWHERE near where I need to be, but this is the cry of my heart.

The last song that is in my heart right now is "Losing." It is a gut wrenching honest song about forgiveness and how we as people feel like we are sometimes the ones losing when we forgive people, especially when they don't realize or care the heartache that has been caused in our lives. "Truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not, Freedom comes when we Surrender to the sound of Mercy and Your Grace, Father send your angels down!" And this is where my heart is, wallowing in hurt and pain, anger and betrayal, fear and anxiety. However, this is not where God has called me. He has called me, His Beloved Daughter, to walk in His mercy and grace. I cannot walk IN His mercy and grace if I do not share it with others. His forgiveness is the motive behind my ENTIRE life. So how can I be stuck in this place? I am not sure, but I am. I keep praying the line over and over, "Father, give me the grace to forgive them." And I need so much grace. My heart aches and my mind is confused. I do know the only way to come out of the muck is confession and honest prayer to my Father, who loves me. And thank God that when I have no words the Holy Spirit has the perfect ones.